Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: *leaves on read*

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?