Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
happy valentine’s day to me
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.