Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
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“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.