Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
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John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
cat faces on other animals, a thread
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
new shirt idea
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope