Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
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Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”