Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
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Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued