screw you
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No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
just having fun
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
lmaaaaaooooooooo
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…