Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

Bless you

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”