Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

No Google it does not

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

Finally, a door that understands me

Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

LA today:

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea