Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
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principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
#catsoftwitter
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not