Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
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I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?