I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
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Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
My Sentiments Exactly
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts