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@mrjohntofu

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

@GreenishDuck

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

@somelightcrying

DUDE: first of all

ME: oh shit this dude’s about to make more than one point

@SonOfCha

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

3-year-old: A monster truck.

I don’t think insurance is going to cover that surgery.

@jenyb4

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

@mela_shea

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

@six_2_and_even

Did your dog lose a tennis ball under our couch? We have like 900 of them

@squirrel74wkgn

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*