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@T_N_Crumpets

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

@MouVanLee

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

@MountainDouche

I have a question for you guys. After the door bell rings, how long do I have to wait to turn the TV volume back up and make any movement?

@withanewname

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

@FormerGrunt

My ex was an absolute treasure.

By treasure, I mean you will need a map and a shovel to find her.

@causticbob

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

@Snarfernini

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!

911: Be cool

Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead

@pleatedjeans

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK