“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
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20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
