“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
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I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
RT if you could go either way.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
#dalle2
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
when you are just born a rebel
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish