Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

Dead
Alive
Other✔

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please