Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

I got soap in my shower beer again.

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

*writing dating profile*

Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…

Friend: Oh strong start

Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…

Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing

Me: …bitter and makes you poop…

Friend: *unplugging my wifi*

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.