Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
You Might Also Like
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
