screw you
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WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I hate everything
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday