screw you
You Might Also Like
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old