Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….