Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

Bros before Ohioes

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.