Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.