Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey