Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

My purse is deeper than some people.

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]

iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you

Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]

iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

When your best mate counts as a desk too

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”