Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

Cheer up.

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.