Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.