*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
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Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.