Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.