Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.