Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

Underwear…

Because every present needs to be wrapped.

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”

Me: “Santa died”