Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.

2019: the floor is lava

2020: literally don’t touch anything

Has there ever been a more American story?

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge