Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
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The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.