Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
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Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
constantly working on myself.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Every house has this drawer
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
(more comics:
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult