Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway

Are we there yet?…

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.