*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.


WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run


I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.


Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.


There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.


Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.


My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.


Just saw a bio that says his hobbies are “Drinking Women Eating Cars”.

Dude. Take up a new hobby. It’s called Punctuation.


first rule of fight club is no fightig. welcom to contradicton club evryone hav a seat adn dont hav a seat. also this isnt contradicton club