*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
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Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
There’s no “us” in nachos.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’