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Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
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Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
