Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

shakespeare: murder most foul…

goose: what the duck did you just say?!

“Don’t take this wrong but…”

Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

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I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?