Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

No laws when master is gone

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”

Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.