Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
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Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.