Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

Attacked by a mop.

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.