*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
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The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Simple enough.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.