Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

This is Sparta

why no one uses midhusbands

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

no such thing as a dumb question

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.