Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.