Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

ㅤ

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

this is one of the funniest videos of all time

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

Genius idea!!

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner