SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
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Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Welcome
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.