Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.