Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !