scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
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absolutely not
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[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
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Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude