Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
You Might Also Like
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Sign at work today
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs