Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol