Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

That’s not how days work.

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *