Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
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You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol