Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.

I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.

Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB