Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
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Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
True
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
every olympics i turn into this guy
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
