Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
You Might Also Like
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.