Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

How about daylight saves us for once

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now