Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
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Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
