Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cats when you pet them too long:

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.