Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely