Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
You Might Also Like
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Breaking news:
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
True story 🤣
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”