scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
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Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”