Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

Me: One last time for old times’ sake?

Broken washer: No.

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!

Me: hmmm

Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life

Me: 🤔

Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die

Me: ya ya that’s the one

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.