@wilw

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

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@MattTheBrand

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

@TweetingDadGuy

When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.

@BoogTweets

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

@Skoog

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

@NicestHippo

“Instagram announced they will allow users to see who viewed their profile…”
*wakes up in cold sweat*

@yonewt

If my neighbor’s front yard is historically accurate baby Jesus was also visited by Spiderman

@Book_Krazy

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”