Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
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BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
cop: you know why I pulled you over?
me: u want dating advice
cop: what… no
me: just be yourself
cop: im a cop
me: you’re right don’t be yourself cops suck
me: be the opposite of yourself
cop: a criminal?
me: you know why i pulled you over?