Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
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got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.