teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
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“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
“Instagram announced they will allow users to see who viewed their profile…”
*wakes up in cold sweat*
If my neighbor’s front yard is historically accurate baby Jesus was also visited by Spiderman
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”