@wilw

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

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@pleatedjeans

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

@ZAKagan

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

@Bipartisanism

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

@earfdae

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

@ashmensch

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

@murrman5

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

@tweetsaboutdog

cop: you know why I pulled you over?

me: u want dating advice

cop: what… no

me: just be yourself

cop: im a cop

me: you’re right don’t be yourself cops suck

cop:

me: be the opposite of yourself

cop: a criminal?

me: yea

criminal:

me: you know why i pulled you over?