SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
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Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions