SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
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“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Hit me in the face with a bird
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.