Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Siri: Retweet me.

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

Easy enough.

rip to my favourite tweet

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

Shark week, but for squirrels.

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.