Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
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Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp