Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
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Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
BETRAYAL
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan