Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
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[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming