Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

You’re the water to my grease fire.

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

ready to be harvested