Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.

Me:

Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.