Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

“and you are November’s PM yes?”

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*