Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
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my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
That 👊
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does