Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
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Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer